Run for Your Life!

In a moment of sheer confusion an angry male deer lunged at us. The deer had anger in his eyes and crime on his fury brown mind, but he chose the wrong cops to mess with. I yelled “freeze!” but the out of control horned animal was having none of it.

The deer stood up on his hind legs and began punching poor Wong. For a few seconds I was in shock, that deer was fighting like a young Mike Tyson, pummeling the hell out of Wong like a he was a punching bag. The deer threw an uppercut that staggered Wong. I yelled, “Use your Kung-Fu,” but Wong did nothing except try his damnedest to cover his face and head. I snapped out of my shock after Wong let out a particularly loud scream.

Going full tactical I pulled out my flashlight and whistle. Now I had never had to get this extreme with any suspect before. For some reason, the adrenaline and nostalgia got the better of me, “Power rangers unite!” I screamed. Wong looked at me confused and the deer simply turned his head to look at me as he continued to beat the hell out of Foot Long. I gave the fury criminal a blast of light to his big-ass eyes and a shrill dose of pain to his perky ears. It was a mistake.

The now enraged creature gave Wong one last backhand style slap to his face then turned towards me. I tried to get into a Green Beret fighting position, but the deer had a different style of fighting on his mind. He swooped his head down with those huge antlers and in a powerful thrusting movement threw his massive head upwards. Somehow he had scooped my ankles inside of his antlers that were about 6 feet across and up I went.

I heard the crotch of my new uniform pants rip apart like cheap rice paper. Both of my groin muscles were sprained and feared that my butt cheeks could spread no further. “AHhhh,” I yelled, “Dammit Wong, do something!” But poor Wong was bruised and battered and seemingly confused. He looked over at me in a splits position, 5 feet off the ground with my feet about 6 feet apart, my pants so torn apart that my underwear had become a thong. It was too much for Wong, he began crying and speaking in his native tongue. The deer lowered his head and then in sheer meanness threw his head upwards again causing the thong effect to be all the damn worse.

Wong once again joined the fight, like when they finally got Maverick to engage in the end of Top Gun. He threw a pine cone like a big league pitcher that connected with the deers face. “Yea, take that,” I yelled. The deer threw me off to the side like a rag doll. He then made a mewling sound and turned towards Wong. At this point, Wong ran like hell, he took off so fast that even the enraged animal was startled.

I tried to get up and chase after them but with both groin muscles pulled I could only hobble. Up ahead I heard Wong screaming and the deer mewling and barking. I knew that whatever was going on, Foot Long Wong was getting the worst of it. “Hold on’ I yelled, ‘I’m on my way little buddy.” My heart sank when came across one of Wong’s native asian sandals just laying on the ground. I noticed to leather toe strap was completely torn off. Oh my God… that was all I could think. About 50 yards up ahead I found my partner, and it was nothing any amount of training can prepare a cop for. This memory will never be erased from my mind.

Staking Out Sasquatch

The Agency now had its first “deputy” in Kim “Foot Long” Wong! I went to a local uniform store to put an order in for new uniforms that will make Wong and I look like Police/Navy SEAL’s. Our uniforms are part black BDU, high gloss cavalry boots and “Smokey Bear” hats. How do we know these uniforms look awesome? Because yesterday morning after picking them up, we met at Wong’s (mom’s) house which serves as his Big Foot hunter headquarters and put on our new uniforms!

After getting suited up we jumped in Squad 1 and drove at high speed to the Whataburger downtown. I brought Squad 1 to a screeching halt, blue smoke and dust surrounding us in the drive thru lane. As I pulled up to the window to get my #2 meal and Wong’s hot tea and lettuce I threw my hat and mirrored sunglasses on. The server jumped back in awe and respect of us, then broke out in laughter at how professional we look in our new uniforms!

I threw Squad 1 into gear and tried to peel out in front of the server, but the engine died out after belching a plume of smoke and an ear shattering backfire. The backfire was so loud it startled Wong who spilled his hot tea all over his lap. “Oh…Damn…Sonofa….Cooked my…(some foriegn language)…Dog shit,” poor Wong yelled. I waited a few minutes as the Whataburger crew and several customers came out to celebrate our uniforms with cheering, laughing and clapping.

We discussed meeting at the pipeline and setting up a stakeout on Sasquatch who Wong says is hanging around the equipment. It is Wong’s belief that the creature is trying to figure out how to operate one of the bulldozers so he can possibly make some improvements on his home somewhere in the woods. I was not liking the idea of anyone stealing from a place under The Agency’s protection, “Well, we will see about that large-ass humanoid stealing any of the Forman’s stuff,” I barked.

We had been sitting in a small hunting blind borrowed from my uncle.
Night had fallen and there was a light wind blowing through the woods. So far the stakeout had been pretty boring. I snacked on Cheetos, string cheese and pretzels. Wong refused all my snacks, explaining that he choose to eat only very clean and traditional Asian foods and remain extremely pure like Bruce Lee. As he looked disgustedly at my snacks, a large snap echoed outside the blind. We froze and listened. Another crackling of breaking twigs. Seconds latter there was a strange rubbing sound, as if someone or something was scraping a rock against a tree.

I slowly opened the door of the hunting blind and we stepped outside. Something grunted just up ahead. I noticed that Wong was wearing his sandals rather than the cavalry boots I bought him. He complained that the boots hurt his feet and didn’t feel right to him. I pushed the anger over the sandals aside, we had something stalking us in the woods, in the dark!

Wong suggested we try to approach the creature from upwind so that he could not use his superior sense of smell. We moved in a tactical, SWAT like way around the woods and were only a few feet from the huge beast. For the first time I could smell him! A fear shot through me, I was close enough to smell Big Foot. Reaching down, I pulled out my tactical whistle and flashlight. If Sasquatch made a move he was going to get a combination ear blast/eye blast.

Wong put his hands up and pulled a few branches out of the way. Everything went into slow motion at this point and as he got his first glimpse at the creature behind the branches Wong screamed. I looked past Wong and when I saw it, my jaw dropped and a bolt of fear and disbelief reverberated through my body. A second later a blur of brown fur was moving in our direction…

Foot Long Wong

My heart racing a thousand miles an hour and sweat breaking out on my head, I pushed through the last thin bush separating me and whatever creature lay in front of me. Screaming, “You’re Under Arrest!”

My brain thought what my mouth was too shocked to say, “what the…” A small Asian man was squatting in front of me holding a large plastic foot mounted on a broom handle. The man jumped up, screaming in a glass shattering way, “Officer, officer, don’t shoot me!” he said. I like this guy already, he just called me officer!

In order to get “tactical control” of the suspect I discharged a 3 second flashlight burst to his eyes. The man proved to be cooperative and was forthcoming with providing his alibi. As it turns out he is a “Professional” Big Foot Hunter. He picked up a backpack that lay at his feet and showed me some very interesting equipment: a pair of night vision goggles, an infrared camera and an authentic Japanese tea set. The last item didn’t seem to fit but neither did the shoes this guy was wearing.

I didn’t say anything but those sandals sure don’t look comfortable. He held his hand out and we shook, “My Name is Wong,’ he said ‘Kim Wong, but everyone calls me Foot Long Wong.” I told him my name was “Chief”, but my mind was now stuck on that nickname. Foot Long Wong? Have I ever seen this guy on one of Mom’s movies she has hidden in her closet?

“Yea, they call me Foot Long because…”
I leaned forward (for tactical reasons).
“because everyone knows Big Foots feet are a foot long”.

I lost a lot of respect for Wong at that moment, but he seemed like a nice guy and was very knowledgeable about Big Foot or Sasquatch as some people call him. Wong said he has been searching for the elusive creature for more than 15 years! “Wow, have you ever seen him?” I asked.
“Well, no. But I have seen drawings of him.” Being a cop I naturally wanted to know, “Who did the drawings? Did they see him?”
Wong looked around the woods for a second, “Well, no. But some people have heard the creature howling in the woods.”
I then wondered if any of those people have ever seen one, and agin the answer was no. I asked if anyone has at least ever seen a dead Big Foot? “Nope”, Wong admitted. What about any DNA evidence, hair, blood anything? “Nothing, not a shred,” Wong answered as he pulled the backpack over his shoulders. A minute of silence passed between us, then I finally asked, “So you have absolutely no proof at all. Not one shred of evidence of any kind. No body, no pictures, nothing, yet you have searched for 15 years of your life for this thing?”

Wong said the lack of evidence didn’t matter to him, that he remains 100% convinced that there is a 7-8 foot tall hairy humanoid creature roaming the countryside. Further, Wong is convinced that the creature is in this area, hanging around the pipeline project for unknown reasons.

We started walking back to the pipeline area where Squad 1 was parked. The odor of that huge poo pile wafted in the air. I had to ask, “Do all Big Foots take huge dumps like this one or is this just an especially nasty-assed Sasquatch?”

Wong said in a very scientific manner, that actually Sasquatches poo in little pellets. I must have had a very confused look on my face, “Oh no, you mean that over there,’ he said pointing in the direction of the odor, ‘that is where I had to use the restroom.”

“WHAT!, You did that?” I asked in sheer disbelief. There was no damn way this guy, 5 feet 3 inches tall, 105 pounds left a mountain of destruction like that.

“Oh yea,’ Wong said ‘my stomach hurt too bad. I got a burrito from O’Brien’s Mexican Cafe. The fact that Wong actually bought a burrito from a mexican restaurant with an Irish name explained just about everything I needed to know.

We came out of the woods and there parked just off the main access road was a small scooter like moped looking thing.

Wong explained that that was his “Hog” and that he didn’t own a car. Cars couldn’t go the same places his “Chopper” could, especially when in pursuit of Big Foot. I asked how many times he had to chase Big Foot? Well, none he answered, not a single time in 15 years.

Something about Foot Long Wong truly appealed to me. I asked him where he worked. “Radio Shack” he said. I asked Wong if he ever wanted to be a cop. Sitting on his “Hog”, he said, “never thought of it.”

“Well, I’m a police chief,” I explained, then following my gut asked, “do you want to work in my department?”

Wong revved up his scooter, it sounded like a weed eater to me. He pulled some World War Two looking goggles down over his eyes then said, “Can I still look for Big Foot?” I answered immediately, “Yes”. He smiled, “Ok, I will do it.”

We shook hands and agreed to meet at my house tomorrow afternoon so I could give wong a uniform and “swear him in.” The excitement shot through me as I realized, I just hired my first deputy! The Agency was on its way!

A Most Unusual Suspect

The tough part of police work is the late night patrol. When you’re action oriented like me, long dark nights can play games with the mind. Around 1am last night, I came across something very unusual. Now I know what my tactical training tells me (this can not be) but my eyes are saying, look it’s right there in front of you. This is what I found just behind a tool shed at the pipeline site:

To me this looks like a very large footprint. Now I know some of you “civilians” are thinking this is looking very unusual. Well, when its dark and you are the only cop for miles around and you see some big ass footprints like this, it’s scary! I pulled out my tactical flashlight and whistle and dove behind the shed. The only problem was misjudging the distance to the shed in the dark. I slammed into the tool shed in the midst of a Pete Rose-style headfirst dive.

The impact jammed my “combat whistle” down my throat, causing a violent cough to blow through the whistle in my gullet which sounded like a shrill whales cry.

Thankfully the cough caused the whistle to shoot out of my mouth. I quickly realized that whatever was out there now knew my location. I had given away my tactical position. I belly crawled through the grass into a thatch of trees. At this point I heard the first of a series of strange howling sounds. It was not a wolf or a dog but altogether different. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I’m a cop at heart so I pushed a bit further into the trees.

Within minutes I was in the woods and noticed a terribly foul smell. Using my flashlight to look around I noticed the largest pile of feces I had ever seen. The size of the pile made me think for a moment that an elephant might be responsible. But that didn’t fit the footprint.

I tried to block the foul smell out of my mind and slowly walked towards the howling sounds. Two more huge footprints pressed into the dirt for me to follow. A twig snapped just in front of me! The brush had grown thick and visibility was next to nothing. Another twig snapped only a few feet from me. It was now or never. I pushed the button of my flashlight and screamed, “you’re under arrest”!!!

What I saw standing in front of me was shocking…