Run for Your Life!

In a moment of sheer confusion an angry male deer lunged at us. The deer had anger in his eyes and crime on his fury brown mind, but he chose the wrong cops to mess with. I yelled “freeze!” but the out of control horned animal was having none of it.

The deer stood up on his hind legs and began punching poor Wong. For a few seconds I was in shock, that deer was fighting like a young Mike Tyson, pummeling the hell out of Wong like a he was a punching bag. The deer threw an uppercut that staggered Wong. I yelled, “Use your Kung-Fu,” but Wong did nothing except try his damnedest to cover his face and head. I snapped out of my shock after Wong let out a particularly loud scream.

Going full tactical I pulled out my flashlight and whistle. Now I had never had to get this extreme with any suspect before. For some reason, the adrenaline and nostalgia got the better of me, “Power rangers unite!” I screamed. Wong looked at me confused and the deer simply turned his head to look at me as he continued to beat the hell out of Foot Long. I gave the fury criminal a blast of light to his big-ass eyes and a shrill dose of pain to his perky ears. It was a mistake.

The now enraged creature gave Wong one last backhand style slap to his face then turned towards me. I tried to get into a Green Beret fighting position, but the deer had a different style of fighting on his mind. He swooped his head down with those huge antlers and in a powerful thrusting movement threw his massive head upwards. Somehow he had scooped my ankles inside of his antlers that were about 6 feet across and up I went.

I heard the crotch of my new uniform pants rip apart like cheap rice paper. Both of my groin muscles were sprained and feared that my butt cheeks could spread no further. “AHhhh,” I yelled, “Dammit Wong, do something!” But poor Wong was bruised and battered and seemingly confused. He looked over at me in a splits position, 5 feet off the ground with my feet about 6 feet apart, my pants so torn apart that my underwear had become a thong. It was too much for Wong, he began crying and speaking in his native tongue. The deer lowered his head and then in sheer meanness threw his head upwards again causing the thong effect to be all the damn worse.

Wong once again joined the fight, like when they finally got Maverick to engage in the end of Top Gun. He threw a pine cone like a big league pitcher that connected with the deers face. “Yea, take that,” I yelled. The deer threw me off to the side like a rag doll. He then made a mewling sound and turned towards Wong. At this point, Wong ran like hell, he took off so fast that even the enraged animal was startled.

I tried to get up and chase after them but with both groin muscles pulled I could only hobble. Up ahead I heard Wong screaming and the deer mewling and barking. I knew that whatever was going on, Foot Long Wong was getting the worst of it. “Hold on’ I yelled, ‘I’m on my way little buddy.” My heart sank when came across one of Wong’s native asian sandals just laying on the ground. I noticed to leather toe strap was completely torn off. Oh my God… that was all I could think. About 50 yards up ahead I found my partner, and it was nothing any amount of training can prepare a cop for. This memory will never be erased from my mind.

Foot Long Wong

My heart racing a thousand miles an hour and sweat breaking out on my head, I pushed through the last thin bush separating me and whatever creature lay in front of me. Screaming, “You’re Under Arrest!”

My brain thought what my mouth was too shocked to say, “what the…” A small Asian man was squatting in front of me holding a large plastic foot mounted on a broom handle. The man jumped up, screaming in a glass shattering way, “Officer, officer, don’t shoot me!” he said. I like this guy already, he just called me officer!

In order to get “tactical control” of the suspect I discharged a 3 second flashlight burst to his eyes. The man proved to be cooperative and was forthcoming with providing his alibi. As it turns out he is a “Professional” Big Foot Hunter. He picked up a backpack that lay at his feet and showed me some very interesting equipment: a pair of night vision goggles, an infrared camera and an authentic Japanese tea set. The last item didn’t seem to fit but neither did the shoes this guy was wearing.

I didn’t say anything but those sandals sure don’t look comfortable. He held his hand out and we shook, “My Name is Wong,’ he said ‘Kim Wong, but everyone calls me Foot Long Wong.” I told him my name was “Chief”, but my mind was now stuck on that nickname. Foot Long Wong? Have I ever seen this guy on one of Mom’s movies she has hidden in her closet?

“Yea, they call me Foot Long because…”
I leaned forward (for tactical reasons).
“because everyone knows Big Foots feet are a foot long”.

I lost a lot of respect for Wong at that moment, but he seemed like a nice guy and was very knowledgeable about Big Foot or Sasquatch as some people call him. Wong said he has been searching for the elusive creature for more than 15 years! “Wow, have you ever seen him?” I asked.
“Well, no. But I have seen drawings of him.” Being a cop I naturally wanted to know, “Who did the drawings? Did they see him?”
Wong looked around the woods for a second, “Well, no. But some people have heard the creature howling in the woods.”
I then wondered if any of those people have ever seen one, and agin the answer was no. I asked if anyone has at least ever seen a dead Big Foot? “Nope”, Wong admitted. What about any DNA evidence, hair, blood anything? “Nothing, not a shred,” Wong answered as he pulled the backpack over his shoulders. A minute of silence passed between us, then I finally asked, “So you have absolutely no proof at all. Not one shred of evidence of any kind. No body, no pictures, nothing, yet you have searched for 15 years of your life for this thing?”

Wong said the lack of evidence didn’t matter to him, that he remains 100% convinced that there is a 7-8 foot tall hairy humanoid creature roaming the countryside. Further, Wong is convinced that the creature is in this area, hanging around the pipeline project for unknown reasons.

We started walking back to the pipeline area where Squad 1 was parked. The odor of that huge poo pile wafted in the air. I had to ask, “Do all Big Foots take huge dumps like this one or is this just an especially nasty-assed Sasquatch?”

Wong said in a very scientific manner, that actually Sasquatches poo in little pellets. I must have had a very confused look on my face, “Oh no, you mean that over there,’ he said pointing in the direction of the odor, ‘that is where I had to use the restroom.”

“WHAT!, You did that?” I asked in sheer disbelief. There was no damn way this guy, 5 feet 3 inches tall, 105 pounds left a mountain of destruction like that.

“Oh yea,’ Wong said ‘my stomach hurt too bad. I got a burrito from O’Brien’s Mexican Cafe. The fact that Wong actually bought a burrito from a mexican restaurant with an Irish name explained just about everything I needed to know.

We came out of the woods and there parked just off the main access road was a small scooter like moped looking thing.

Wong explained that that was his “Hog” and that he didn’t own a car. Cars couldn’t go the same places his “Chopper” could, especially when in pursuit of Big Foot. I asked how many times he had to chase Big Foot? Well, none he answered, not a single time in 15 years.

Something about Foot Long Wong truly appealed to me. I asked him where he worked. “Radio Shack” he said. I asked Wong if he ever wanted to be a cop. Sitting on his “Hog”, he said, “never thought of it.”

“Well, I’m a police chief,” I explained, then following my gut asked, “do you want to work in my department?”

Wong revved up his scooter, it sounded like a weed eater to me. He pulled some World War Two looking goggles down over his eyes then said, “Can I still look for Big Foot?” I answered immediately, “Yes”. He smiled, “Ok, I will do it.”

We shook hands and agreed to meet at my house tomorrow afternoon so I could give wong a uniform and “swear him in.” The excitement shot through me as I realized, I just hired my first deputy! The Agency was on its way!