Man, people have no respect for law enforcement officers these days. After fueling up “Squad 1” I rolled out to the Home Depot and bought some strobe lights, black duct tape and some do it yourself spray paint. I sprayed my windows with the tint like the real police cars and then hooked up my strobe lights. All in all, “Squad 1” looked great and aside from that dang backfiring, it was a serviceable police vehicle.
I decided to wear my Farmers Marker Security uniform but took their lame patches off and put a couple awesome replacements on. I found a Delta Force patch for my right shoulder and a Dragon spitting fire for my left shoulder. In my pockets I had a flashlight, high decibel survival whistle that I painted black for tactical use and a pair of black shooting gloves.
Now I’m not the kind of cop to shy away from action so I drove Squad 1 to a particularly rough part of town everyone calls “The Trailer Sale” due to the large number of Mobil homes in the area. A powerful and moving feeling rushed over me as the thought struck home, this is the first official patrol of The Agency, America’s newest police department,
Shortly after sundown the popping and cracking of firecrackers started. Now I wasn’t sure this activity was illegal, but it seemed like it ought to be. We would all agree that fireworks are dangerous and I wasn’t about to let people go and hurt themselves. My Radio Shack police scanner hummed to life with the voice of the dispatcher. The female voice was directing a police car to an address on the street that I was already parked at. I wasn’t sure what all the number talk meant, but it had to be about the fireworks. I could be therein 3 minutes!
Putting Squad 1 into gear I accelerated down the street. I plugged the strobe lights into the cigarette lighter and was off to my first call! The feeling was pure adrenaline. As I approached the halfway point of the street I noticed multiple suspects smiling and clapping as an adult male lit various firecrackers. One suspect was sitting in a stroller.
I hit the breaks and came to a screeching, tire shredding halt only a foot from the suspect in the stroller. The young suspects mother began yelling at me as she ran to the stroller. I stepped out of my squad car and asked the group what they were up to? “Just lighting some firecrackers for the kids,” one male suspect stated. I shined my flashlight in his eyes, “Let me see your ID.” He asked who I was, what department? I told him that I would ask the questions around here.
Suspecting that there was probably something going on inside, I used my duct tape to “cuff” everyone in the street. The little suspect in the stroller was too small so I just taped him into the stroller. The people inside the house refused to let me in. “We’re calling the police,” they cried. I am the police I yelled back, but they would not open the door. This left me with one choice, to kick the door down SWAT- style.
My first attempt didn’t work too well. I kicked that dang door as hard as I could and felt a terrible pain shoot up my leg and into my back. “Oh for the love of God,” I screamed out. The people secured on the street asked if I was ok and whether I need a doctor so forth. “Silence,” I hollered, a couple of them snickering. For the second attempt at the “barricaded” door I stood back about 15 feet and got a running start. Hitting that door at full speed…did absolutely nothing. I bounced backwards, all the air escaped my lungs “HoooAhh” I involuntarily yelled. This one hurt me. I staggered off the porch and nearly lost consciousness on the grass. Rather than calling out officer down, the neighbors began laughing uncontrollably. This really pissed me off so I decided right then and there that they would now see what the PD could do.
I again charged the door, however this time just before making contact, I jumped up and kicked my feet forward striking the door about 4 feet high laying flat on my back. The door gave way and in I went like an upside down superman. Once again I landed hard, the wind escaping my lungs like a squeezed bellows. This brought more laughter and sneering from the crowd outside. When my vision finally cleared up I saw this extremely rude young suspect with no respect for the law:
In the distance I heard sirens! My backup, thank god. The young thug yelled obscenities at me. In the heat of battle I gave him a 4 second burst of my whistle. The shrill blast of sound sent the little troublemaker running outside. I went after him planning to arrest him and take him downtown. Unfortunately when I got outside there were about six police cars.
The police had cut all my suspects loose. “What are you doing?” I demanded to the cops that had freed everyone. The police from the other department looked at me and burst out in laughter. “Holly shit,” said one, “what is this?” Another said, “Hey Dummy, you know halloween is in October!” This rude treatment went on for about 10 minutes before I had enough. I explained that I was a cop too and was here on an illegal fireworks case. “Fireworks aren’t illegal in this city or county or state'” the lead joker said. Ok, maybe he had a point about that, but I said that didn’t excuse the young punk in the house who flipped me off. “You broke into his house,” they said. Seeing that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with these clowns so I choose the high ground and walked towards Squad 1.
The lead officer gave me about an hour long lecture on illegal detainment, illegal search, illegal lights on my “squad car” and false impersonation of a police officer. He said that tonight was a warning but if I showed up on another call, “dressed like a Half-assed, Barney Fife looking, old-ass beater third hand police car driving idiot,” I’d go straight to jail. When I pulled away from the scene, Squad 1 let out a shotgun like blast of a backfire that sent people diving for cover. In a moment of anger I rolled the window down and flipped the police off. See how they liked it!
Well, we will see about that. I have a strong feeling the District Attorney will side with me and maybe even give me a badge. He’s going to know a good cop when he sees one. He will see one in the morning when I show up at his office.
The Agency Files 