Pay Dirt!!!

Well, the Sheriffs Department helicopter airlifted Wong to the trauma center. He was in a state the doctors would later call “Battle Induced Shock” which is something that happens to soldiers and police officers after experiencing heavy action. We may not have been in a large fire fight or under heavy artillery fire, but we did face down that menacing deer and with my whistle sounding off and flashlight blasts it was pretty serious.

All this action along with the “Unholy ass whooping”, according to the E.R. doctor that Wong took was just too much for him. I did everything I could, stayed by his bedside and even brought him the fried lettuce and green traditional Asian tea he likes. One afternoon I brought the tea and found poor Wong in his hospital restroom.

Eventually he started to come around. The biggest improvement came while we were watching the TV and breaking news came on to announce that a couple hunters had shot a large male deer who had the elastic waistband from a pair of women’s panties dangling from his antlers. The reporter also said that the deer had what looked to be human feces smeared all over his antlers.

As it turns out, the crazed and violent creature tried to pull that same head down, splits inducing, crotch splitting move he did to me on my partner. Too bad for the deer Foot Long Wong wasn’t having it. He threw his martial arts trained body into the proven crane technique from Karate Kid.

Wong would have knocked that deers block off had everything gone his way. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing went Wong’s way and rather than getting thrown into a painful splits position, he got an even more painful and more violent outcome. The deers antler missed its mark and found his anus. Tragically, Wong was violated by the crazed animal. I announced to the sheriffs deputies that came to take Wong’s statement that I would be filing Rape charges against the animal.

The day after Wong got home, he showed up for work! Dressed in his official uniform and riding his scooter Wong rode up like the Ghost Rider on his flaming bike. Ok, maybe not quite like the Ghost Rider, but he looked cool. I looked at his feet and he was wearing the boots that hurt his feet. Reaching into my Squad car I pulled out a pair of women’s slippers I had picked up at the Dollar General and threw them to Wong. In that moment we became a true team, a real dynamic duo. There was only one last thing to do, we had to face our fears that the deer put into us.

We got Wong a deer tattoo that symbolizes his mastery over the deer. He came out of the tattoo parlor a new man, ready to face the next hurdle. We rolled out to the pipeline site in squad 1 with Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone” playing as loud as it would go. Even though it was dark, I wore my mirrored sun glasses being all fired up at the music.

Just as we were pulling into the pipeline we noticed a man walking around the tool shed. I threw squad 1 into a spinning skid hoping to show this thief what kind of cops he was dealing with. My speed was too high and I ended up hitting the front end of a bulldozer and ripped the rear bumper of my vehicle off. “Dammit” I yelled, “that gonna cost 50 buck.”

Wong jumped out and started running towards the burglar. I hit the throttle and went to cut the guy off. In his hands the man carried a tripod that I had seen the construction crew use in surveying the site. He ran through a huge segment of pipe and I drove right in after him. The dang pipe looked plenty large for squad 1 to fit through. It was not large enough.

Sparks and a horrible shrieking sound came from both of my doors as they rubbed against the inside of the pipe. My mirrors flew off and the door handles melted from the friction. I screamed, “Let’s do this thing…” I mashed the throttle all the way to the floor and pushed squad 1 through that steel pile like a turd through a colon. The thief was covering his ears due to the metal on metal sound coming from my car. He turned around to see if I was stuck in the pipe and from out of nowhere Wong came flying like a Japanese Superman. Wong tackled the guy and as soon as I plopped out the end of the pipe, I jumped out to assist, reaching for my whistle.

We didn’t have any handcuffs so we used the thieves own shoe strings. I got on the phone and called 9-11. As soon as the dispatcher came on I yelled, “Get your asses over here now dammit…now, I’ve got a suspect at whistle point!”

Officer Down

Up ahead I heard poor Wong let out what can only be described as the high pitched scream of an eight year old Korean school girl. I tried to run by my groins hurt like hell from being forced into an unwilling splits position by that damn felony committing deer. Again, the suspect:

I saw something very alarming on the ground in front of me. For the first time in this whole sad affair I began to worry that we might have lost Wong.

This was getting bad. I never expected to find Wong’s pants like this. Something very ugly must have happened to my little buddy, all kinds of images began running through my mind. If I catch that furry bastard he just might end up becoming sausage.

I wasn’t quite sure what the hell I was actually looking at. I looked closer at the article on the ground and then the reality of it all hit me in the face. These were Wong’s underwear. I took off running…then ran back to take a second look at the very questionable underwear. They sure didn’t look like anything any man would wear. Standing and criticizing my deputies underwear choice was not my biggest concern at the moment, his life was.

Just up ahead on the small dirt path my eyes found Kim “Foot Long” Wong. He was mumbling all kinds of things.

“Wong, hey man, are you ok?” I asked. He didn’t look at me or acknowledge me at all. “The Deer made me naked.,” he mumbled, followed by “Call the rape crisis center…I’m glad the other reindeer made fun of Rudolph.” I took my windbreaker off and put it around him. Wong twitched as the black windbreaker with a gold eagle and cowboy pistol printed on it touched his stark naked body. Just so you know, the words The Agency are emblazoned on the jacket back and POLICE on the front.

Something snapped off in the distance. Wong yelled something that sounded like “Wackyyyy-Wooo-Ma-Chacky”. I tried to ask what that meant but he immediately snapped into a fetal position and started crying uncontrollably. I pulled out my i phone with a “tactical” black otter box and dialed 9-11.

A female dispatcher answered, “9-11, what is your emergency?” I lost control and yelled into the phone, “Officer down, OFFICER DOWN Dammit.”

Run for Your Life!

In a moment of sheer confusion an angry male deer lunged at us. The deer had anger in his eyes and crime on his fury brown mind, but he chose the wrong cops to mess with. I yelled “freeze!” but the out of control horned animal was having none of it.

The deer stood up on his hind legs and began punching poor Wong. For a few seconds I was in shock, that deer was fighting like a young Mike Tyson, pummeling the hell out of Wong like a he was a punching bag. The deer threw an uppercut that staggered Wong. I yelled, “Use your Kung-Fu,” but Wong did nothing except try his damnedest to cover his face and head. I snapped out of my shock after Wong let out a particularly loud scream.

Going full tactical I pulled out my flashlight and whistle. Now I had never had to get this extreme with any suspect before. For some reason, the adrenaline and nostalgia got the better of me, “Power rangers unite!” I screamed. Wong looked at me confused and the deer simply turned his head to look at me as he continued to beat the hell out of Foot Long. I gave the fury criminal a blast of light to his big-ass eyes and a shrill dose of pain to his perky ears. It was a mistake.

The now enraged creature gave Wong one last backhand style slap to his face then turned towards me. I tried to get into a Green Beret fighting position, but the deer had a different style of fighting on his mind. He swooped his head down with those huge antlers and in a powerful thrusting movement threw his massive head upwards. Somehow he had scooped my ankles inside of his antlers that were about 6 feet across and up I went.

I heard the crotch of my new uniform pants rip apart like cheap rice paper. Both of my groin muscles were sprained and feared that my butt cheeks could spread no further. “AHhhh,” I yelled, “Dammit Wong, do something!” But poor Wong was bruised and battered and seemingly confused. He looked over at me in a splits position, 5 feet off the ground with my feet about 6 feet apart, my pants so torn apart that my underwear had become a thong. It was too much for Wong, he began crying and speaking in his native tongue. The deer lowered his head and then in sheer meanness threw his head upwards again causing the thong effect to be all the damn worse.

Wong once again joined the fight, like when they finally got Maverick to engage in the end of Top Gun. He threw a pine cone like a big league pitcher that connected with the deers face. “Yea, take that,” I yelled. The deer threw me off to the side like a rag doll. He then made a mewling sound and turned towards Wong. At this point, Wong ran like hell, he took off so fast that even the enraged animal was startled.

I tried to get up and chase after them but with both groin muscles pulled I could only hobble. Up ahead I heard Wong screaming and the deer mewling and barking. I knew that whatever was going on, Foot Long Wong was getting the worst of it. “Hold on’ I yelled, ‘I’m on my way little buddy.” My heart sank when came across one of Wong’s native asian sandals just laying on the ground. I noticed to leather toe strap was completely torn off. Oh my God… that was all I could think. About 50 yards up ahead I found my partner, and it was nothing any amount of training can prepare a cop for. This memory will never be erased from my mind.

Foot Long Wong

My heart racing a thousand miles an hour and sweat breaking out on my head, I pushed through the last thin bush separating me and whatever creature lay in front of me. Screaming, “You’re Under Arrest!”

My brain thought what my mouth was too shocked to say, “what the…” A small Asian man was squatting in front of me holding a large plastic foot mounted on a broom handle. The man jumped up, screaming in a glass shattering way, “Officer, officer, don’t shoot me!” he said. I like this guy already, he just called me officer!

In order to get “tactical control” of the suspect I discharged a 3 second flashlight burst to his eyes. The man proved to be cooperative and was forthcoming with providing his alibi. As it turns out he is a “Professional” Big Foot Hunter. He picked up a backpack that lay at his feet and showed me some very interesting equipment: a pair of night vision goggles, an infrared camera and an authentic Japanese tea set. The last item didn’t seem to fit but neither did the shoes this guy was wearing.

I didn’t say anything but those sandals sure don’t look comfortable. He held his hand out and we shook, “My Name is Wong,’ he said ‘Kim Wong, but everyone calls me Foot Long Wong.” I told him my name was “Chief”, but my mind was now stuck on that nickname. Foot Long Wong? Have I ever seen this guy on one of Mom’s movies she has hidden in her closet?

“Yea, they call me Foot Long because…”
I leaned forward (for tactical reasons).
“because everyone knows Big Foots feet are a foot long”.

I lost a lot of respect for Wong at that moment, but he seemed like a nice guy and was very knowledgeable about Big Foot or Sasquatch as some people call him. Wong said he has been searching for the elusive creature for more than 15 years! “Wow, have you ever seen him?” I asked.
“Well, no. But I have seen drawings of him.” Being a cop I naturally wanted to know, “Who did the drawings? Did they see him?”
Wong looked around the woods for a second, “Well, no. But some people have heard the creature howling in the woods.”
I then wondered if any of those people have ever seen one, and agin the answer was no. I asked if anyone has at least ever seen a dead Big Foot? “Nope”, Wong admitted. What about any DNA evidence, hair, blood anything? “Nothing, not a shred,” Wong answered as he pulled the backpack over his shoulders. A minute of silence passed between us, then I finally asked, “So you have absolutely no proof at all. Not one shred of evidence of any kind. No body, no pictures, nothing, yet you have searched for 15 years of your life for this thing?”

Wong said the lack of evidence didn’t matter to him, that he remains 100% convinced that there is a 7-8 foot tall hairy humanoid creature roaming the countryside. Further, Wong is convinced that the creature is in this area, hanging around the pipeline project for unknown reasons.

We started walking back to the pipeline area where Squad 1 was parked. The odor of that huge poo pile wafted in the air. I had to ask, “Do all Big Foots take huge dumps like this one or is this just an especially nasty-assed Sasquatch?”

Wong said in a very scientific manner, that actually Sasquatches poo in little pellets. I must have had a very confused look on my face, “Oh no, you mean that over there,’ he said pointing in the direction of the odor, ‘that is where I had to use the restroom.”

“WHAT!, You did that?” I asked in sheer disbelief. There was no damn way this guy, 5 feet 3 inches tall, 105 pounds left a mountain of destruction like that.

“Oh yea,’ Wong said ‘my stomach hurt too bad. I got a burrito from O’Brien’s Mexican Cafe. The fact that Wong actually bought a burrito from a mexican restaurant with an Irish name explained just about everything I needed to know.

We came out of the woods and there parked just off the main access road was a small scooter like moped looking thing.

Wong explained that that was his “Hog” and that he didn’t own a car. Cars couldn’t go the same places his “Chopper” could, especially when in pursuit of Big Foot. I asked how many times he had to chase Big Foot? Well, none he answered, not a single time in 15 years.

Something about Foot Long Wong truly appealed to me. I asked him where he worked. “Radio Shack” he said. I asked Wong if he ever wanted to be a cop. Sitting on his “Hog”, he said, “never thought of it.”

“Well, I’m a police chief,” I explained, then following my gut asked, “do you want to work in my department?”

Wong revved up his scooter, it sounded like a weed eater to me. He pulled some World War Two looking goggles down over his eyes then said, “Can I still look for Big Foot?” I answered immediately, “Yes”. He smiled, “Ok, I will do it.”

We shook hands and agreed to meet at my house tomorrow afternoon so I could give wong a uniform and “swear him in.” The excitement shot through me as I realized, I just hired my first deputy! The Agency was on its way!

You’re Hired!!!

As some of you who follow my blog know, I don’t have the best of luck lately. But I can say all that changed about an hour ago! Let me tell you how my luck went from downright terrible to great.

I spent the morning installing the new siren I bought for Squad 1. The dang directions are all in some language I don’t understand and the pictures are in black & white so colored wires meant nothing either. Turns out the language is Korean, that’s where my siren comes from. The only mistake I made was not disconnecting the battery before attempting an electrical installation and I blame this on the damn Korean instructions. This was plastered across the package:

I touched that red wire to Squad 1’s battery and that’s it, lights out. I came to and noticed that the electrical jolt had caused all my muscles to instantly contract. Little did I realize, but your bladder is essentially a muscle.

Anyways, it was nothing a change of clothes didn’t fix. The siren installation took about 6 hours to complete, but nonetheless it was ready to test! I sat in Squad 1, fired her up and then flipped the on switch for my siren. It has a strange sound, unlike the normal police sirens. This is a siren that was probably meant for Europe, so it sounds odd to you Americans. Though I too am an American, when I’m operating a European sounding siren, I consider myself European.

It didn’t take Mom long to fuss about the “loud-ass, annoying sound coming out of that beat up ole’ pile of crap.” I kindly reminded her that she was addressing a police chief in his police car and maybe she wanted to watch her mouth. She took off her shoe and threw it, hitting Squads 1 right on the hood. “Quit it Mom” I yelled in my command voice.

It was time to test it out on the road! In an attempt to show Mom a thing or too, I backed out, put on my Tom Cruise Top Gun edition mirrored sunglasses and threw Squad 1 into gear. Slamming my foot down on the throttle, and giving her a “how do you like me now” smirk I gunned it. Squad 1 revved up hard, lurched forward and let out a massive backfire with a rather large cloud of black smoke shooting out of the tail pipe.

Mom laughed uncontrollably as I tried to start the car back up. After about ten minutes of trying, it fired up and I was on my way. To test the siren I choose a remote road so that no civilians would accidentally pullover believing they were in trouble. So far so good; I would turn it on and then off, on then off. Now at one point I reached down to flip the siren on and noticed something in the corner of my eye. About the time my brain registered that a large deer with huge antlers had walked out into the road, my police reflexes kicked in. I jerked the steering wheel like hell and…

Squad 1 was approximately 7 feet off the ground flying due west on a north south road.

“Shiiiiiiiit,” I screamed as I noticed the road, the deer and a small tree pass below me. What goes up must come down, and Squad 1 landed like a brick. That old suspension did all it could, but it still felt like a hand grenade had gone off in my rectum. Again, I issued a high pitch scream, this one from the sheer pain you know where, “Oh, my AaSssssss!” Man that hurt.

Squad 1 came to rest only inches from a large bulldozer. Several men came running to the scene. “Are you ok?” one asked, “man, did you see that?” Said another. One guy in amazement at my tactical driving said, “did you guys see this pile of shit fly!” The men looked in the back seat of my car and asked where my daughter was. I told them I didn’t have a daughter, but they refused to believe me at first explaining that they heard a young girl screaming just after the car landed.

Anyways, the men are working on a natural gas pipeline going from Texas all the way to Savannah, Georgia. Within minutes an older guy came walking up that identified himself as the Foreman of the job. He asked what I was doing out here and when I told him that I was testing a new siren for my law enforcement car, his face lit up. Well, first he asked, “you mean that hunk of crap?” Pointing at squad 1. I considered a 2 second blast of light to the eyes but decided to let him have this one.

Well, the Foreman said that he had been looking for a night watchman to keep the equipment safe. We walked around the job site and he pointed out some of the tools, tractors and building materials and then said, “Just in this one spot, there is four million dollars worth of equipment.” He gave me another look up and down, then asked, “do you want the watchman job?” I felt like a man who had just won the lottery, then he told me it would pay 2,000$ a month!

Aside from the absolutely excruciating pain emanating from my rectal area, the drive home was awesome. I had a real job now, a job that paid real money! The Agency was on the Law Enforcement map and Mom and all the naysayers were gonna have to eat their words.

After Action Report

Man, people have no respect for law enforcement officers these days. After fueling up “Squad 1” I rolled out to the Home Depot and bought some strobe lights, black duct tape and some do it yourself spray paint. I sprayed my windows with the tint like the real police cars and then hooked up my strobe lights. All in all, “Squad 1” looked great and aside from that dang backfiring, it was a serviceable police vehicle.

I decided to wear my Farmers Marker Security uniform but took their lame patches off and put a couple awesome replacements on. I found a Delta Force patch for my right shoulder and a Dragon spitting fire for my left shoulder. In my pockets I had a flashlight, high decibel survival whistle that I painted black for tactical use and a pair of black shooting gloves.

Now I’m not the kind of cop to shy away from action so I drove Squad 1 to a particularly rough part of town everyone calls “The Trailer Sale” due to the large number of Mobil homes in the area. A powerful and moving feeling rushed over me as the thought struck home, this is the first official patrol of The Agency, America’s newest police department,

Shortly after sundown the popping and cracking of firecrackers started. Now I wasn’t sure this activity was illegal, but it seemed like it ought to be. We would all agree that fireworks are dangerous and I wasn’t about to let people go and hurt themselves. My Radio Shack police scanner hummed to life with the voice of the dispatcher. The female voice was directing a police car to an address on the street that I was already parked at. I wasn’t sure what all the number talk meant, but it had to be about the fireworks. I could be therein 3 minutes!

Putting Squad 1 into gear I accelerated down the street. I plugged the strobe lights into the cigarette lighter and was off to my first call! The feeling was pure adrenaline. As I approached the halfway point of the street I noticed multiple suspects smiling and clapping as an adult male lit various firecrackers. One suspect was sitting in a stroller.

I hit the breaks and came to a screeching, tire shredding halt only a foot from the suspect in the stroller. The young suspects mother began yelling at me as she ran to the stroller. I stepped out of my squad car and asked the group what they were up to? “Just lighting some firecrackers for the kids,” one male suspect stated. I shined my flashlight in his eyes, “Let me see your ID.” He asked who I was, what department? I told him that I would ask the questions around here.

Suspecting that there was probably something going on inside, I used my duct tape to “cuff” everyone in the street. The little suspect in the stroller was too small so I just taped him into the stroller. The people inside the house refused to let me in. “We’re calling the police,” they cried. I am the police I yelled back, but they would not open the door. This left me with one choice, to kick the door down SWAT- style.

My first attempt didn’t work too well. I kicked that dang door as hard as I could and felt a terrible pain shoot up my leg and into my back. “Oh for the love of God,” I screamed out. The people secured on the street asked if I was ok and whether I need a doctor so forth. “Silence,” I hollered, a couple of them snickering. For the second attempt at the “barricaded” door I stood back about 15 feet and got a running start. Hitting that door at full speed…did absolutely nothing. I bounced backwards, all the air escaped my lungs “HoooAhh” I involuntarily yelled. This one hurt me. I staggered off the porch and nearly lost consciousness on the grass. Rather than calling out officer down, the neighbors began laughing uncontrollably. This really pissed me off so I decided right then and there that they would now see what the PD could do.

I again charged the door, however this time just before making contact, I jumped up and kicked my feet forward striking the door about 4 feet high laying flat on my back. The door gave way and in I went like an upside down superman. Once again I landed hard, the wind escaping my lungs like a squeezed bellows. This brought more laughter and sneering from the crowd outside. When my vision finally cleared up I saw this extremely rude young suspect with no respect for the law:

In the distance I heard sirens! My backup, thank god. The young thug yelled obscenities at me. In the heat of battle I gave him a 4 second burst of my whistle. The shrill blast of sound sent the little troublemaker running outside. I went after him planning to arrest him and take him downtown. Unfortunately when I got outside there were about six police cars.

The police had cut all my suspects loose. “What are you doing?” I demanded to the cops that had freed everyone. The police from the other department looked at me and burst out in laughter. “Holly shit,” said one, “what is this?” Another said, “Hey Dummy, you know halloween is in October!” This rude treatment went on for about 10 minutes before I had enough. I explained that I was a cop too and was here on an illegal fireworks case. “Fireworks aren’t illegal in this city or county or state'” the lead joker said. Ok, maybe he had a point about that, but I said that didn’t excuse the young punk in the house who flipped me off. “You broke into his house,” they said. Seeing that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with these clowns so I choose the high ground and walked towards Squad 1.

The lead officer gave me about an hour long lecture on illegal detainment, illegal search, illegal lights on my “squad car” and false impersonation of a police officer. He said that tonight was a warning but if I showed up on another call, “dressed like a Half-assed, Barney Fife looking, old-ass beater third hand police car driving idiot,” I’d go straight to jail. When I pulled away from the scene, Squad 1 let out a shotgun like blast of a backfire that sent people diving for cover. In a moment of anger I rolled the window down and flipped the police off. See how they liked it!

Well, we will see about that. I have a strong feeling the District Attorney will side with me and maybe even give me a badge. He’s going to know a good cop when he sees one. He will see one in the morning when I show up at his office.