Show Us the Money

The Sheriffs’ department came and took the tool thief away. As it turns out this guy was wanted for stealing over a half a million dollars worth of construction equipment in 4 counties. The police had been trying to catch him for two years.

There was a front page newspaper article about Wong and I. It said that “A couple of half wit, would be cops manage to collar a big time bandit.” Now that’s press you can’t pay for. The only problem I have with the article is the crappy pictures. There was one of Wong in the worst possible pose. They had just finished the interview for the paper and he was showing one of the deputies a “Mountain Gorilla” pose which is very famous and popular in his homeland.

I sent a letter to the editor asking what the hell he meant by publishing that piece of shit picture of my deputy in his “toilet” paper of a news paper. The rude editor said that while it’s newsworthy that a pair of “inept failure to launch-type, jackasses captured a master thief, it is also of public interest when a deputy of the law squats down and makes himself look like a ridiculous chimpanzee of some damn sort.” I immediately took offense to this complete mischaracterization of my deputy, promising the editor a swift investigation into his “panzy-assed paper.”

The next day I went to the Shipley’s donut shop and saw the paper with a huge front page headline: SELF PROCLAIMED POLICE CHIEF OF A PATHETIC SUPPOSED LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY THREATENS EDITOR. My blood began to boil, I grabbed a copy of that crap and and opened it up. On the second page was a huge picture, full page size, of this:

Under this picture was the caption- The Chief

That editor went too far! His ass is grass and I’m a lawn mower. One way or another I am going to pay that jerk back.

On the good side all this coverage (albeit rude) ended up helping us out. After getting home from the donut shop Mom handed me a note. She said someone called looking for me and said it was urgent. When I called the number on the paper, a very formal sounding man came on saying his name was Karl Remaldi, president of the second largest chain of banks in the United States.

I asked how Could I help him? Remaldi said he had seen how we captured the master thief, and wanted to talk to me about providing security for his banks! I was awestruck, and almost passed out.

An hour later I was on my way to an interview in Mr. Remaldi’s private jet!

I began to feel as if The Agency had just hit the big time!!!

Pay Dirt!!!

Well, the Sheriffs Department helicopter airlifted Wong to the trauma center. He was in a state the doctors would later call “Battle Induced Shock” which is something that happens to soldiers and police officers after experiencing heavy action. We may not have been in a large fire fight or under heavy artillery fire, but we did face down that menacing deer and with my whistle sounding off and flashlight blasts it was pretty serious.

All this action along with the “Unholy ass whooping”, according to the E.R. doctor that Wong took was just too much for him. I did everything I could, stayed by his bedside and even brought him the fried lettuce and green traditional Asian tea he likes. One afternoon I brought the tea and found poor Wong in his hospital restroom.

Eventually he started to come around. The biggest improvement came while we were watching the TV and breaking news came on to announce that a couple hunters had shot a large male deer who had the elastic waistband from a pair of women’s panties dangling from his antlers. The reporter also said that the deer had what looked to be human feces smeared all over his antlers.

As it turns out, the crazed and violent creature tried to pull that same head down, splits inducing, crotch splitting move he did to me on my partner. Too bad for the deer Foot Long Wong wasn’t having it. He threw his martial arts trained body into the proven crane technique from Karate Kid.

Wong would have knocked that deers block off had everything gone his way. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing went Wong’s way and rather than getting thrown into a painful splits position, he got an even more painful and more violent outcome. The deers antler missed its mark and found his anus. Tragically, Wong was violated by the crazed animal. I announced to the sheriffs deputies that came to take Wong’s statement that I would be filing Rape charges against the animal.

The day after Wong got home, he showed up for work! Dressed in his official uniform and riding his scooter Wong rode up like the Ghost Rider on his flaming bike. Ok, maybe not quite like the Ghost Rider, but he looked cool. I looked at his feet and he was wearing the boots that hurt his feet. Reaching into my Squad car I pulled out a pair of women’s slippers I had picked up at the Dollar General and threw them to Wong. In that moment we became a true team, a real dynamic duo. There was only one last thing to do, we had to face our fears that the deer put into us.

We got Wong a deer tattoo that symbolizes his mastery over the deer. He came out of the tattoo parlor a new man, ready to face the next hurdle. We rolled out to the pipeline site in squad 1 with Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone” playing as loud as it would go. Even though it was dark, I wore my mirrored sun glasses being all fired up at the music.

Just as we were pulling into the pipeline we noticed a man walking around the tool shed. I threw squad 1 into a spinning skid hoping to show this thief what kind of cops he was dealing with. My speed was too high and I ended up hitting the front end of a bulldozer and ripped the rear bumper of my vehicle off. “Dammit” I yelled, “that gonna cost 50 buck.”

Wong jumped out and started running towards the burglar. I hit the throttle and went to cut the guy off. In his hands the man carried a tripod that I had seen the construction crew use in surveying the site. He ran through a huge segment of pipe and I drove right in after him. The dang pipe looked plenty large for squad 1 to fit through. It was not large enough.

Sparks and a horrible shrieking sound came from both of my doors as they rubbed against the inside of the pipe. My mirrors flew off and the door handles melted from the friction. I screamed, “Let’s do this thing…” I mashed the throttle all the way to the floor and pushed squad 1 through that steel pile like a turd through a colon. The thief was covering his ears due to the metal on metal sound coming from my car. He turned around to see if I was stuck in the pipe and from out of nowhere Wong came flying like a Japanese Superman. Wong tackled the guy and as soon as I plopped out the end of the pipe, I jumped out to assist, reaching for my whistle.

We didn’t have any handcuffs so we used the thieves own shoe strings. I got on the phone and called 9-11. As soon as the dispatcher came on I yelled, “Get your asses over here now dammit…now, I’ve got a suspect at whistle point!”

You’re Hired!!!

As some of you who follow my blog know, I don’t have the best of luck lately. But I can say all that changed about an hour ago! Let me tell you how my luck went from downright terrible to great.

I spent the morning installing the new siren I bought for Squad 1. The dang directions are all in some language I don’t understand and the pictures are in black & white so colored wires meant nothing either. Turns out the language is Korean, that’s where my siren comes from. The only mistake I made was not disconnecting the battery before attempting an electrical installation and I blame this on the damn Korean instructions. This was plastered across the package:

I touched that red wire to Squad 1’s battery and that’s it, lights out. I came to and noticed that the electrical jolt had caused all my muscles to instantly contract. Little did I realize, but your bladder is essentially a muscle.

Anyways, it was nothing a change of clothes didn’t fix. The siren installation took about 6 hours to complete, but nonetheless it was ready to test! I sat in Squad 1, fired her up and then flipped the on switch for my siren. It has a strange sound, unlike the normal police sirens. This is a siren that was probably meant for Europe, so it sounds odd to you Americans. Though I too am an American, when I’m operating a European sounding siren, I consider myself European.

It didn’t take Mom long to fuss about the “loud-ass, annoying sound coming out of that beat up ole’ pile of crap.” I kindly reminded her that she was addressing a police chief in his police car and maybe she wanted to watch her mouth. She took off her shoe and threw it, hitting Squads 1 right on the hood. “Quit it Mom” I yelled in my command voice.

It was time to test it out on the road! In an attempt to show Mom a thing or too, I backed out, put on my Tom Cruise Top Gun edition mirrored sunglasses and threw Squad 1 into gear. Slamming my foot down on the throttle, and giving her a “how do you like me now” smirk I gunned it. Squad 1 revved up hard, lurched forward and let out a massive backfire with a rather large cloud of black smoke shooting out of the tail pipe.

Mom laughed uncontrollably as I tried to start the car back up. After about ten minutes of trying, it fired up and I was on my way. To test the siren I choose a remote road so that no civilians would accidentally pullover believing they were in trouble. So far so good; I would turn it on and then off, on then off. Now at one point I reached down to flip the siren on and noticed something in the corner of my eye. About the time my brain registered that a large deer with huge antlers had walked out into the road, my police reflexes kicked in. I jerked the steering wheel like hell and…

Squad 1 was approximately 7 feet off the ground flying due west on a north south road.

“Shiiiiiiiit,” I screamed as I noticed the road, the deer and a small tree pass below me. What goes up must come down, and Squad 1 landed like a brick. That old suspension did all it could, but it still felt like a hand grenade had gone off in my rectum. Again, I issued a high pitch scream, this one from the sheer pain you know where, “Oh, my AaSssssss!” Man that hurt.

Squad 1 came to rest only inches from a large bulldozer. Several men came running to the scene. “Are you ok?” one asked, “man, did you see that?” Said another. One guy in amazement at my tactical driving said, “did you guys see this pile of shit fly!” The men looked in the back seat of my car and asked where my daughter was. I told them I didn’t have a daughter, but they refused to believe me at first explaining that they heard a young girl screaming just after the car landed.

Anyways, the men are working on a natural gas pipeline going from Texas all the way to Savannah, Georgia. Within minutes an older guy came walking up that identified himself as the Foreman of the job. He asked what I was doing out here and when I told him that I was testing a new siren for my law enforcement car, his face lit up. Well, first he asked, “you mean that hunk of crap?” Pointing at squad 1. I considered a 2 second blast of light to the eyes but decided to let him have this one.

Well, the Foreman said that he had been looking for a night watchman to keep the equipment safe. We walked around the job site and he pointed out some of the tools, tractors and building materials and then said, “Just in this one spot, there is four million dollars worth of equipment.” He gave me another look up and down, then asked, “do you want the watchman job?” I felt like a man who had just won the lottery, then he told me it would pay 2,000$ a month!

Aside from the absolutely excruciating pain emanating from my rectal area, the drive home was awesome. I had a real job now, a job that paid real money! The Agency was on the Law Enforcement map and Mom and all the naysayers were gonna have to eat their words.