As some of you who follow my blog know, I don’t have the best of luck lately. But I can say all that changed about an hour ago! Let me tell you how my luck went from downright terrible to great.
I spent the morning installing the new siren I bought for Squad 1. The dang directions are all in some language I don’t understand and the pictures are in black & white so colored wires meant nothing either. Turns out the language is Korean, that’s where my siren comes from. The only mistake I made was not disconnecting the battery before attempting an electrical installation and I blame this on the damn Korean instructions. This was plastered across the package:
I touched that red wire to Squad 1’s battery and that’s it, lights out. I came to and noticed that the electrical jolt had caused all my muscles to instantly contract. Little did I realize, but your bladder is essentially a muscle.
Anyways, it was nothing a change of clothes didn’t fix. The siren installation took about 6 hours to complete, but nonetheless it was ready to test! I sat in Squad 1, fired her up and then flipped the on switch for my siren. It has a strange sound, unlike the normal police sirens. This is a siren that was probably meant for Europe, so it sounds odd to you Americans. Though I too am an American, when I’m operating a European sounding siren, I consider myself European.
It didn’t take Mom long to fuss about the “loud-ass, annoying sound coming out of that beat up ole’ pile of crap.” I kindly reminded her that she was addressing a police chief in his police car and maybe she wanted to watch her mouth. She took off her shoe and threw it, hitting Squads 1 right on the hood. “Quit it Mom” I yelled in my command voice.
It was time to test it out on the road! In an attempt to show Mom a thing or too, I backed out, put on my Tom Cruise Top Gun edition mirrored sunglasses and threw Squad 1 into gear. Slamming my foot down on the throttle, and giving her a “how do you like me now” smirk I gunned it. Squad 1 revved up hard, lurched forward and let out a massive backfire with a rather large cloud of black smoke shooting out of the tail pipe.
Mom laughed uncontrollably as I tried to start the car back up. After about ten minutes of trying, it fired up and I was on my way. To test the siren I choose a remote road so that no civilians would accidentally pullover believing they were in trouble. So far so good; I would turn it on and then off, on then off. Now at one point I reached down to flip the siren on and noticed something in the corner of my eye. About the time my brain registered that a large deer with huge antlers had walked out into the road, my police reflexes kicked in. I jerked the steering wheel like hell and…
Squad 1 was approximately 7 feet off the ground flying due west on a north south road.
“Shiiiiiiiit,” I screamed as I noticed the road, the deer and a small tree pass below me. What goes up must come down, and Squad 1 landed like a brick. That old suspension did all it could, but it still felt like a hand grenade had gone off in my rectum. Again, I issued a high pitch scream, this one from the sheer pain you know where, “Oh, my AaSssssss!” Man that hurt.
Squad 1 came to rest only inches from a large bulldozer. Several men came running to the scene. “Are you ok?” one asked, “man, did you see that?” Said another. One guy in amazement at my tactical driving said, “did you guys see this pile of shit fly!” The men looked in the back seat of my car and asked where my daughter was. I told them I didn’t have a daughter, but they refused to believe me at first explaining that they heard a young girl screaming just after the car landed.
Anyways, the men are working on a natural gas pipeline going from Texas all the way to Savannah, Georgia. Within minutes an older guy came walking up that identified himself as the Foreman of the job. He asked what I was doing out here and when I told him that I was testing a new siren for my law enforcement car, his face lit up. Well, first he asked, “you mean that hunk of crap?” Pointing at squad 1. I considered a 2 second blast of light to the eyes but decided to let him have this one.
Well, the Foreman said that he had been looking for a night watchman to keep the equipment safe. We walked around the job site and he pointed out some of the tools, tractors and building materials and then said, “Just in this one spot, there is four million dollars worth of equipment.” He gave me another look up and down, then asked, “do you want the watchman job?” I felt like a man who had just won the lottery, then he told me it would pay 2,000$ a month!
Aside from the absolutely excruciating pain emanating from my rectal area, the drive home was awesome. I had a real job now, a job that paid real money! The Agency was on the Law Enforcement map and Mom and all the naysayers were gonna have to eat their words.
The Agency Files 